While going over coffee tasting notes after writing my last blog post, I came across a gem by Klatch on the Poizon Blend, which seems to be geared toward Halloween. I can’t resist quoting from [and commenting on] a few choice turns of phrase from their site:
REGION: Inferno [Wait, where’s that?]
VARIETAL: Chemical Means [Not helping.]
FARM: Place of Torment [Ah, I’m beginning to catch on.]
ALTITUDE: -1490 M [Ok, definitely Hell, though it should probably be much deeper. That depth is nowhere near the ocean floor in parts of the Pacific, for example. Am I taking this too seriously? ;) ]
FARMER: Old Roastmaster [?]
ROAST: Dark [Yes! Very appropriate.]
NOTE: Coffee to Die For [Another overly terse one, but I like it.]
…This delightfully dark brew will satisfy the dark side in you [Wait, this sounds like the Emperor from Return of the Jedi talking now: “Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.”]. The steam coming off the cup will draw you into rich captivating aroma [What if I brew over ice?]. As you take in the aroma you will have no choice but to take your first sip of this delicious brew [No choice…because the Force is involved! Another covert Star Wars reference, undoubtedly]. As the intoxicating beverage floods your mouth you will be overwhelmed with notes of sweet tobacco, bittersweet chocolate, and that one flavor that keeps you coming back for more [Different for each person? Now that’s a good Jedi mind trick. What about the flavor of Princess Leia’s lip gloss?].
Is Poizon the real deal? Quick, someone go place a test order and see what happens! If the only payment method available is “your mortal soul” or something similar, then we’ll know for sure that the beans are legit.
In all seriousness, this blend reminds me of one of my current favorite YouTube videos, a Gothic cooking show set to heavy metal by the Vegan Black Metal Chef. It’s very appropriate for this time of year. After watching Mr. Vegan get all worked up over udon noodles and seitan recently—get it? seitan/Satan?—I began to wonder how amusing it would be to see him turn to coffee and tackle the proper way to grind and brew a cup that meets his own exactingly evil standards. I even posted a suggestion to that effect on his Facebook wall. We’ll find out soon whether or not anything comes of it. In the meantime, I think I might have unearthed the perfect mug for this master of the dark culinary arts. Would you agree?
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